Lord forgive me for not listening to you. Forgive me for my outbursts of anger. Forgive me for saying things I shouldn't have. Thank you for keeping me safe, thank you for keeping those involved safe. Thank you for providing me with people to talk to and to support me. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for everything. Help me turn the other cheek to these insults and lies and to not care about what people are whispering behind my back. Give me the strength to endure. Give me the wisdom to know what to say and do. Give me the maturity to ignore things said to just get me riled up. Give me the maturity and wisdom to realize that this doesn't even matter. Let me know what you would have me do. It's all for your glory Lord, Amen.

Lord give me the strength to love those who may hate me. Give me the strength to turn the other cheek when the hurtful words and actions come my way. Help me keep my head up at school tomorrow. Help me keep my anger in check. Let my actions and words be guided by you and help me to continue to live my life for you. Amen.

Ok, I'm fed up with this shit. I'm not going to bother being nice about it anymore. I have been observing the way people treat each other a lot lately and it is disgusting. Seriously, what the fuck. Get over yourselves and stop gossiping, stop acting like middle school girls. It's a huge problem at the school I currently go to and I'm sick of it. I don't care if they have all gotten used to it, we shouldn't be desensitized to people treating each other like that. We need to make a stand. As Christians we need to love each other. We make up the body of Christ, if one part of the body hates another part, the body begins to fall apart.

God has been revealing more and more to me how worship should be. At my school's retreat it was how it should be. We were together, we were focused on God, we didn't care about looking stupid because all we cared about was giving praise to Him. But yesterday during chapel it was how it shouldn't be. We thought that it would be the same as on retreat. Wrong. It was a disaster. Technical problems made us all flustered (especially me and the drummer Tommy since we had no monitor) and we were worried and not sure on how the set list was gonna go and a bunch of stuff. So we weren't completely focused on God. Also during chapel we are on a really tall stage and in the center of attention and at the retreat we were on the floor with everyone else and the screen was in the middle and we were spread out around it, not us in the middle and the screens on either side, I just feel like this is wrong. I'm not saying it's always wrong, just in this situation. When I know I'm in the center of attention I get nervous, I have really bad stage fright and I feel like I have to play extra good because everyone is paying attention to the band and not God and blah blah blah. I feel like if there was no stage, or even just a lower stage things would be better. They wouldn't be looking up at us. I dunno. Another thing God has been showing me is worship without God is like breathing without air. It just doesn't work. If your worship is not about Him then why even bother?

I feel like God has been calling me to be a worship leader, I'm not so sure about it though... I love worship. As in playing bass or guitar or drums and maybe singing occasionaly. Not leading singing though. As I say, I'm bad at the singing game. I have really bad stage fright when leading things. I don't think I have a very good voice. When God told me I seriously just stopped and said out loud " dude, are you freaking serious?!" to which he replied "Yes."

Many good things have happened. Freedom has been proclaimed, the darkness banished, the flame relit.

On my high school retreat this past week the Holy Spirit fell. Everyone was crying. The speaker was amazing. Life changing. It was like God was speaking directly through him. He was on fire, he was passionate, he was all about giving glory to the Lord. That's how it should be! There are a lot of speakers who get up to preach the word of God and they are so focused on the right thing to say and not looking dumb that they miss the point. IT DOESN'T MATTER! Just let God do the talking and it will turn out alright.
It's just like the worship bands that are so concerned about sounding good that they forget that it doesn't matter! As long as your heart is there, as long as you are giving praise to the one who deserves it, it doesn't matter! I admit, I do that all the time. As a musician and somewhat of a perfectionist, I often lose sight of what I'm doing. For example, on Friday during group times I led worship and I was so concerned about sounding good and so worried that I was singing off key since I was sick and stuff that it became empty for a while. Until the last song. The last song was the Church is Lost Without Your Word (or as we like to call it the Church is Lost Without Your Voice) and I love that song. It is the destroyer of voices but it is one of the best worship songs out there in my opinion. God speaks to me so much through it. It just reminds me how much we NEED God. Not how much we want Him. How much we NEED Him. We need God to live. What is life without our God? Nothing. Anyway, my point, God is sweet. If He is working through us but then we get scared or picky and try to take over because we think we can do it better it ends poorly.

Last night I went to the Jason Upton concert. It was amazing. He is so on fire for the Lord. It's amazing. Lately, I've been struggling a lot. I feel seperated from God a lot of the time. I want to be on fire for Him, I want to be passionate and I've been trying to be and it just is failing. Last night in between songs Jason was talking and he spoke a word that was so direct that it was pretty ridiculous. He was talking about something his uncle said to him and he said "Sometimes you aren't going to feel the passion and it's gonna suck. But God does that because He wants you to ask for that passion again. If you try and get that passion back yourself, you aren't gonna get it. But if you ask He will give." and I just started laughing. Because God was like hey, ask me, don't do it yourself. And I asked and I received. Big time. So don't try doing things yourself, just ask. It will save you a lot of grief.

The lengths humans go to hurt each other astounds me. The things "friends" do to each other disgusts me. And the things people do to change it is nothing.

Curious that music where someone is screaming about killing and maiming others soothes me and gets me in the zone... The human mind is a curious thing.

In other news the map Chinatown on Call of Duty 4 blows cuz all the pussy ass n00bs camp in the gayass buildings cuz they can't play since they suck. FUCK CHINATOWN. And it also sucks cuz there is no good sniping spots so it's harder to make nubz cry to their mommies when they have easy access to your position. Oh, a tip for you people. Sometimes the best sniping position is on the ground, not in the tower where everyone expects you to be. That is all for tonight.

Remember, only you can prevent n00btubing
-MC Frostbite